On Sunday, I attended the local church [i.e. not St. Mattress of the Sleeping Ngamau]. As usual, the preacher was on fire! It was men's Sunday. Now for those of you who don't know, our local sets aside a Sunday when the men lead the entire service exclusively i.e. they lead the praise and worship, make the announcements and generally run the service. This may not mean anything to the non-Kenyans but to put it in context, generally, men in Kenya are not known for their enthusiasm in spiritual leadership. In fact, the population of the affiliate churches of St. Mattress consists invariably of more than 70% men. They have read and understood literally, the concept of resting on the Sabbath. It is therefore both unusual and very nice to have them attend churches where two or three [hundred in the case of our local] are gathered together and even participate. Now, men led worship usually means this. That the praise and singing will involve the bass guitar and the drums and a heck of a lot of dancing. Again, for the non-Kenyans, dancing in Kenyan churches is not the polite swaying from side to side in a subdued manner. Oh no! It's a shake-your-booty, swing-your-hips, wave-your-arms affair to the latest Lingala, benga and African rhythms. God bless them. By the time you are done singing, a cold Tusker beer [a la burudika-na-Tusker] would be in order, only, you are in church.
The preacher was one John Ng'ang'a. The name did not ring any bells but the pastor who introduced him said something very interesting, "He is the only preacher I know who gets the congregation to preach half the sermon for him." Hmmm! Interesting thing to say. A few moments later, I found out exactly what he meant. Now, Kenyans, bear with me as I explain this idiosyncrasy to non-Kenyans. I don't know if this happens in other cultures but in Kenya, there's a way of having a conversation that requires you to read minds. It consists largely of finishing the speaker's sentences. An example would be like this. "Today, I would like us to go to the market, so please prepare yourself so we go to the ma-?" To which the listener responds, "Market." Now, you have to listen very keenly and also apply a certain amount of ESP. A wrong answer will not only be met with swift correction but a look that will wither the most hardened soul. Make more than two wrong responses and the speaker will stop and ask you in a very irritated voice, "Kwani, you, you're not listening? Ala! Pay attention!"
This preacher was the quintessential ESP-Kenyan-speak man in the history of ESP-Kenyan-speak. "Today's topic is "the danger of compromise". The danger of co-?" to which the congregation dutifully replies "Compromise." The man smiles. He's got us already. In addition, he had even written out his bible verses and his points in MS PowerPoint so from time to time, he'd just refer us to the overhead projector! Yaani, this guy probably articulated about 70% of his sermon. The rest of it, we were preaching to ourselves.
- "God does not like co-?"
- "The Bible in Revelations 2: 1-7 says return to your first Lo-?"
- "First Love."
Of course like most distracted Sunday church goers, from time to time we got lost and made the wrong response to whit a swift correction issued from the pulpit, followed by the question, "Are we together now?" I was in stitches. I could just imagine the bewilderment on the faces of the congregants of Harrow Baptist Church, Harrow, Middlesex, England if one day the preacher went, "Today we shall take a reading from the book of John. The book of Jo-?" Most would probably be searching for a book by Joe which they had overlooked in the bible!
Now, like most storytellers who use this form of speech, he was superbly engaging with lots of fantastic similes, metaphors and stories which only gifted storytellers can pull off. There was one though that really got me.
Imagine if you will, that you have lived in the city for a long time and have not gone up-country to visit the people in the village for some years. A letter comes, asking you to go to the village because something has happened. The writer also tells you to pray for them. There has been a leopard in the area eating the local goats and sheep. [An unusual, though not rare occurrence in the parts of Kenya]. The people have called the local wildlife office to come over, trap and remove the leopard but they haven't come. In fact, your mother's neighbour lost a sheep a few nights ago to the leopard. However, the writer is trusting God that the "wildlife" will respond soon. Love, XYZ.
You prepare for the journey and take a matatu [a people carrier or mini bus used in Kenya for public transport] to your village but you arrive at the shopping centre nearest to your village at about 7pm. You have a few kilometres to walk from the shopping centre to your home. You would rather not walk in the dark but the alternative is to sleep at the local bar, boarding and lodging aka the local den of iniquity and debauchery [and very often, the repository of bed bugs and lice]. Now, being a person of some repute, you do not want it known that you spent the night in the local Sodom so you gather your wits, pray that the leopard takes the night off, and start walking in the direction of your mother's farm. As you near the neighbour's farm, you remember he has very fierce dogs that like nothing more than to nip at strangers. You start tiptoeing in the hope that the dogs will not hear you. As if on cue, the dogs leap over the wooden gate just as you approach it, and with fierce barks and mad drooling, begin running towards you. You turn on your heels and high tail it back towards the shopping centre. The dogs keep chasing. You keep running. Then you come round the bend and here, you meet with the leopard. Now, let us pause right here, our intrepid hero in mid flight, drooling dogs in hot pursuit, leopard about to begin the Hallelujah chorus, thus is its shock and amazement at this delivery by the Lord. Freeze! Let us consider the options available to our hero.
- Keep running toward the leopard.
- Stand still and pray for lightning to strike or the earth to open and swallow something or someone
- Run back towards the dogs
And the answer, ladies and gentlemen is...? And the congregants like good and pragmatic Africans reply in union and without hesitation, "C!!" Correct-i-mundo!!! Un-pause. Our hero spins around in mid flight and in a cartoon manner, legs in towards the now confused dogs.
I was on the floor laughing! I could just see the poor guy. Aaiiyaaiiyaaii!! Yaani...!!!
Now here was Mr. Ng'ang'a's point. The person represents you and I. The dogs represent the pressures, trials and temptations to which we are subjected in a bid to force us to compromise. The leopard represents the fear of the Lord. The point being that however fearful you may be of the consequences of not compromising, you should be even more fearful of the wrath of the Lord if you do. Enough said. Enough sai-? Are we together?
Have a dog free life.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When a man takes one step toward God, God takes more steps toward man than there are sands in the worlds of time. – The Work of the Chariot
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