I'm still on this Leopard vs. Dog theme. I've been thinking about it a lot. I can relate to the analogy. Where I come from, it was very common in the '70s, '80s and early '90s for leopards to come out to the farms at night. I used to go stay with my grandfather and he always had the same advice for me. If I was walking home at night and I got the sense that a leopard was 'walking' me, I had to keep going. No running. No outward sign of panic. Just keep walking homebound. The leopard, being feline, would probably want to play. Often what it would do is, it would trail you in the thicket as you walked on the path, then it would run ahead of you in the bush, then come out onto the path and lie across it, swishing its tail and waiting for you to come round. Now here was the trick. If you ever came across a leopard lying across the path, according to Guka [Granddad], you had to look it straight in the eyes and keep walking towards it. Just in case you are wondering, it is very easy to locate a leopard's eyes at night. They glow. At NO TIME were you to turn your back on it. AT NO TIME AT ALL. If you did, it would most definitely kill you. If it's any consolation, according to folklore in my village, leopards would rarely eat people because we taste so bad in comparison to sheep or goats. Without the benefit of having tasted human, I agree wholeheartedly.
Now, it's all very well to say, walk with the Leopard but let's face it, if you have ever been near a leopard in the wild or have ever been 'escorted' by one, there are some things that quickly become apparent. The first is the way it smells. If you like Eau de perfume de all the rotten meat in the world, you will love leopard. It smells of distilled rot. Good heavens!!!! Can the cat take a bath from time to time? Ok, I can see that you do not appreciate the concept but let me paint a picture for you. Take a fresh piece of steak, leave it outside for a week, then marinade it in intestine juice and wrap it with a used diaper of a weaning baby, and you are approaching the smell! Are we together?
Problem number two: if a leopard is waiting for you ahead on the path, and you, having forgotten your house keys at the village bar where you were drinking, turn back before reaching it, it will come find you. And if it has to come find you, you can rest assured; there will be an ass-whooping coming with it!!! So you gotta keep going on that path.
Problem number three: you may not want to be in the company of a leopard for obvious reasons. The smell does not endear itself to social occasions. This need to stick on a particular path, to walk steadily and show no fear does tend to make one look like a stiff or at least like PC Plod… it is just not cool. Yeah, yeah, I know. At my age, I should have gotten over looking cool but hey, I'm just keeping it real.
Now with the dogs however, there is the excitement of wondering whether this time you'll outrun them. Whether when you approach them, you'll find that in fact they are asleep so you can sneak by quietly and reach your destination unmolested. You can engage them in a fight [never a wise thing to attempt with a leopard]… you can yell "SIT!!!" and hope that they are trained dogs. [Those in the village rarely are and any sound with 'ssss' in it, usually translates to "seek 'em" which invariably leads to a dog chasing someone – in this case – you]. Dogs move in packs so you are always in glad, yapping company. Granted, a leopard will make short work of a pack of dogs, and usually does but let's face it, dogs are exciting.
Hold on! Before you start intercessory prayers in tongues over my soul, allow me to say this. I'm all for walking with the Leopard. However, I think there should be a rule. The rule should be that every fortnight or so, there should be a fight between the dogs and the leopard. It must be a spectacular fight. With teeth snarling, spitting, gnashing, yelping, growling…you know, something to reward the walker [or is it to remind the walker of what could happen if she walked off the path? Hmmm…]. Some sheep should be thrown in for good measure. Innocent, dumb, bleating, doomed… they can be the prize. I think there should be a referee and the bouts should be in three minute rounds. I mean if I am going to walk the solitary nocturnal walk with a beast as magnificent as a leopard, surely I should find some way to lord it over the dog owners…
This brings me squarely to another point!! Self-righteous, bible thumpers. Now I don't know if you know any, but recently, I had the not-very-great pleasure of being attacked by one. The attack usually creeps up in the form of a stealthy statement like, "Praise the Lord, Sister." Already, you are suckered. If you do not respond, "Amen" or some equivalent, you are already on your way to hell. If you do respond with an "Amen", it opens the floodgates for the next statement, which is "The Lord gave me a word for you".
Now, I hail from Kijabe, Kenya. The only town in all East and Central Africa where smoking and drinking are banned. Where you learn to read using the King James Version [no, "Peter and Jane" for us. Those are books of ndefo]. So I should have known better than to ask, "What is the word?" I should have known better. Now, I know you are wondering, what I should have said. Well, any child of misheni [mission] will tell you that the correct answer is, "I praise God that He has a word for me. I pray that as He did to Joseph, to Eli, to the father of Samson, I pray that He would send His Angel to reveal the word unto me in person, that I too may receive and believe." Now, the ardent ones may say, "I am the messenger of the Lord unto you". Or "God uses ordinary people who humble themselves [of course referring to themselves]. In which case you must swiftly respond, "How the Lord is mighty for He uses even dirty vessels for good works. Let us now pray that that which comes from your mouth may be sanctified by Him, that only that which He would have me hear would come forth. That your mouth is not a vessel of darkness unto me…." By which time you exhaust the messenger of the lord into shutting up.
BUT I DIDN'T!!!! I forgot!!!! That is a cardinal error and the reward was swift. The messenger of the lord informed me that he and his wife had been learning about submission and that he had had a revelation that in the past, there was I time when I had not been submissive to my husband as a wife should be. WHAT THE F..K? WHERE THE H…L DID THAT COME FROM?! Now already you can see that I am on my way to hell, if for no other reason, my language is not edifying. Anyway edifying or not, I wanted to turn the messenger of god into an edifice on a wall, preferably held up by nails!!!! WHO THE H…L? @!!$%&&~#^????!!!!
First of all, I think that no man, NO MAN should EVER talk to a woman about submission. One, they have absolutely no idea what they speak of. Two, I have yet to meet a man who can honestly say that he loves his wife as Christ loves the church i.e. unconditionally, takes care to honour her and cherish her and do all it takes to bring out the good in her while forgiving the bad; AND his wife agrees. Three, submission is used by men as a bludgeoning tool to force women to do what they want, at the supposed pain of disobeying God. Who made man the judge of woman? I reckon he should be working out his own chances with the Boss before he goes round trying to surreptitiously sell off his will as the will of God.
Now, it is a testament to my self control that I did not martyr the angel of light disguised as this obviously suicidal child. Instead, I did something even worse. In that oily voice of civilized, upright, moral hustlers, I said to him, "Please substantiate exactly what you mean by 'submissive' and give me specific examples of how I was not submissive that I may take correction for my error and reform my ways." Needless to say, the messenger of the lord beat a hasty retreat, promising to get back to me, just as soon as the spirit allows. I'm still waiting.
Now I have heard of wolves in sheep skins, but dogs in leopard fur? That's a first.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Say NO to fur. [Couldn't resist].
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