MATRIMONIAL DOORS

Let's face it, there are days when, even in the best of marriage, the institution feels like a prison. And this is one of those days. For those still unmarried, let me tell you this, often it is the little things that bring on the big fights. Oh how many marriages break up over the shoes-lying-around or the dirty-underwear-that-never-got-to-the-dirty-clothes-basket or the crumbs-in-the-bed. In uni, I had a friend whose dad would go ballistic over doors left ajar. Every evening just before he was expected, there'd be a flurry of activity as mother, kids and servants whizzed across the house to pull back doors left open. Well, I confess I've got mine - little things that make me go ballistics, my own shut-the-doors thing, and; and my better half forgot...again! Now usually I'll take a deep breath, wait til he gets home [or if I am particularly mad, call him], point out he forgot, tell him it upsets me in the most civil tone I can muster and ask him to remember next time. In turn, he apologises, acts suitably contrite, brings home a little treat if I'm especially peeved and we call it even Steven. Today, I go absolutely mental!! I mean, call out the fire brigade, I am about to self-combust. How is it that after seven bl..dy years of matrimony, my erstwhile highly intelligent, very responsible partner cannot remember that I hate such-and-such... I take a deep breath and try to reason that he is very stressed at work; that he is in fact a very nice person; that love transcends all; that I married him for better or worse... it doesn't work. I am still mad. In fact now I'm angry at myself for trying to find excuses and reasons why he didn't do so-and-so. How disrespectful of him!!! I swear when he comes through that door I will... I pop a video into the player and sit down to do some ironing, still seething. It's titled "Soul mates - The Intensive". Now I must state that while my soon-to-be-fried sweetie believes in soul mates, I don't believe that there is such a thing. And the only reason I am watching this is because 1. I can't find what I do want to watch; 2. it comes highly recommended, and 3. and most importantly, I am secretly hoping to hear something that will turn me from my murderous thoughts. The speaker is talking about self love - but not the usual give-a-tree-a-hug type. Something about divinity and loving God and loving me. About honouring me, loving my body, my soul, my spirit. Hmmm. Then the presenter says these words. "Marriage! Know you what marriage is?...[frankly, I'm not too sure of the answer to that one...] If you haven't loved you, what is your marriage based on? [eeeh?!!!] Is it need? [ouch!], survival? [ouch!]...loneliness?[ouch!]...lust?[ouch].... companionship?[ouch] ... to belong to [ouch!!!] or have someone belong to you [ouch!!! it's gloves off, then, is it?...] There is nothing wrong with that for there is a divine experience to understand yourself within it [huh? reprieve?]...Boredom...know you this...[ahem!] when you lie with your partner and think of someone else, that is how you know...[boy, am I glad I'm watching this alone]." Then incredibly the speaker goes on to say, "...you have never been wrong in your relationships...[what, no condemnation? no call to the altar?] you are just an entity looking for a mirror in which to reflect yourself... [Don't cry, don't cry, DO not shed a single tear!!!] and know you... Marriage [based on self love]... is a union that brings forth stability, predictability, creativity... roots that hold up great trees." I keep ironing as I listen. I keep listening as I iron and my ironing becomes intense, frenetic, aggressive even. With every back and forth, with every whoosh of steam, I iron out the creases that hide my own anger, boredom and altogether little niggling feeling of inadequacy and unlovable-ness. I iron out the need to blame others for not loving myself enough. I iron out my guilt for being 'too much' or 'not enough'. Mostly right now, I iron out the compromise that is the desire for peace at all costs. I am worth running around and shutting doors for. I am worth loving me enough to demand it so. And I sure as heck, am worth getting mad if it isn't done. I guess we will have to call out the fire brigade after all. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A marriage that is not groomed in love of self is a marriage that brings boredom, impotence, stagnation and altogether the lack of creative union. - Ramtha